Infidelity appears to be the
topic of the year.
Q: What is the infidelity?
A: The infidelity is that you took something that was supposed to be mine, which
is sexual or emotional intimacy, and you gave it to somebody else. I thought
that we had a special relationship, and now you have contaminated it; it doesn’t
feel special any more, because you shared something that was very precious to us
with someone else. There are gender differences. Men feel more betrayed by their
wives having sex with someone else; women feel more betrayed by their husbands
being emotionally involved with someone else. What really tears men apart is to
visualize their partner being sexual with somebody else. Women certainly don’t
want their husbands having sex with somebody else, but if it’s an impersonal
one-night fling, they may be able to deal with that better than if their husband
was involved in a long-term relationship sharing all kinds of loving ways with
somebody else
Q: And it is deeply traumatic.
A: It’s terrible—unless you cheated on each other during your engagement, or you
or your partner came from a family where everybody cheated on everybody, or you
come from certain cultures where the women don’t take it that much to heart,
because that’s the way men are thought to be. The wounding results because —and
I’ve heard this so many times—I finally thought I met somebody I could trust.
Q: It violates that hope or expectation that you can be who you really are
with another person?
A: Yes. Affairs really aren’t about sex; they’re about betrayal. Imagine if you
were married to somebody very patriotic and then found out your partner is a
Russian spy. Someone having a long-term affair is leading a double life. Then
you find out all that was going on in your partner’s life that you knew nothing
about: Gifts that were exchanged, poems and letters that were written, trips you
thought were taken for a specific reason were actually taken to meet the affair
partner. To find out about all the intrigue and deception that occurred while
you were operating under a different assumption is totally shattering and
disorienting. That’s why people then have to get out their calendars and go back
over the dates to put all the missing pieces together: when you were going to
the drugstore that night and you said your car broke down and you didn’t come
home for three hours, what was really happening?
Q: This is necessary?
A: In order to heal. Because any time somebody suffers from a trauma, part of
the recovery is telling the story. The tornado victim will go over and over the
story—"when the storm came I was in my room…"—trying to understand what
happened, and how it happened. Didn’t we see the black clouds? How come we
didn’t know?"
Q: And so they repeat the story until it no longer creates an unmanageable level
of arousal.
A: Yes. In fact, sometimes people are more devastated if everything was
wonderful before they found out. When a betrayed spouse who suspected something
says, "I don’t know if I can ever trust my partner again," it is reassuring is
to tell them that they can trust their own instincts the next time they have
those storm warnings. When things feel okay, they can trust that things are
okay. But if somebody thought everything was wonderful, how would they ever know
if it happened again? It’s frightening.
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